772 Days … Three Frames
(Click the Image to View Larger)
Filed under: Life Experiences, Neighborhood | Leave a Comment
No sleep.
No sleep for me.
For three months now,
Because of my kitty.
He likes to cuddle with me at night, next to my head
And for some reason or another he wakes up and starts making noise two hours after i drift away
It doesn’t matter what time I fall asleep
Two hours later i wake because of it
I’ve tried moving him by my feet and closing the door to the room on him
But he manages to return to my head or meow at the door until i let him in
The thing is i was pretty sure it’s not deliberate but lately i’m much less sure
Cause he never used to do this until recently so something is askew
and he knows how upset i get when he does this
cause once i’m awake… two hours into sleep
i have a hard time falling back into it
and i’ll lay there and cry–yes cry–with frustration
and he’ll sit and observe the whole situation
He’s a smart little guy, aren’t pets ultra sensitive to our moods anyway?
My sanity is slowing running out and last night as again there i lay
from one to three
it all became very clear to me
The whole human/pet dynamic is kind of messed up
One doing all the work and the other unable alone to survive
Animals, like people, must at least partially be connected to the wild, it’s where they belong
They must be able to defend themselves, is that so wrong?
Or at least do work like horses and sheep dogs
But with ’pets’ there’s no sense in it though
It’s cute for a while when they’re new in your life
When they’re young they’re adorable so they can survive
But year five or ten or fifteen into it
Of getting up early to walk and feed
Of trips to the vet and the cost of their food
And let’s not forget the scooping of poop
And not being able to go on vacation
The train of affection is leaving this station
Because after all this, if all i ask
Is to get a good night’s rest
And this furry annoyance can’t even give me that
WTF?!? I guess pets can be punishment
Punishment
for being disconnected with our own kind that we need a defenseless creature to feel affection
Punishment
for our consumerist ways and affectations
All around us people need help to get on their feet in this world
Whom we ignore and love less than we love our dogs
What’s wrong with this picture? Can you see what I’m saying?
Am I alone in doing this complaining?
On this earth the way i see it, all beings
are meant to be raised for a time then released
That’s why with my cat as soon as I’m able
I’ll release him to another and return to sleep stable
Filed under: Reflective | 3 Comments
790 Days till the End
it’s been the kind of day that makes me part incredulous, part amused, and part more determined than ever to succeed against the odds.
You see, today i discovered deep resentment from someone who is a distant acquaintance to me…at most and you have to think why would an acquaintance so distant be… so-ooo filled with hate toward someone they barely see.
I mean, all i did was come out and support the bar they promote a few times… we friended on facebook and i left some comments about pics and events and such. I photographed a couple of his events on my own time and dime… staying involved and thinking we were all having a good time. Oh, wait, i also started promoting my own events. Could that be my crime? Could he be threatened by me and my ideas this time? Is it possible that someone who’s been a fixture of their community for years be threatened by a newcomer trying to do the same thing? What a small dick he must have to be such a wuss… I’ve known women who have more backbone in them while sleeping in the nude. All I know is that I keep getting event invites from him once (sometimes more) per week, and even though I come out and support his when I can, he has never … not once… come out to see any of my gigs. So, feeling particularly cheeky upon receiving another invite, I posted the following comment on the wall of his profile, just playin’:
Hey Gus, if you’re gonna be spamming me with events every week, maybe you should check out one of mine some time. just sayin.
I was expecting some sort of playful retort back … or bull along the lines of… hey, been meaning to, but busy… blah blah but noooo … here’s what I get:
if you have a grievance call me or email me privately.
i see you unfriended me. sorry you beat me to it.
good riddance to you and your “events” no one is interested in
Woah! Back off buddy… That’s no small amount of resentment coming out of the blue. Talk about airing grievances. I think you should have said something a while back instead of letting it brew. I mean, it’s not healthy to carry this type of rage… it ruins one’s mood and appearance and then, even that cool hat you’re counting on for legitimacy just looks like a dunce cap. Threatened much? Why are my events in quotation marks? They were events. I have the pictures to prove it, i think as i snicker to myself, but i guess if someone doesn’t go to them it’s natural they could make a mistake.
So here’s what I think really happened here.
Astoria is a small town. And as far as entertainment is concerned, a little desperate at times. I’m talking about certain individuals who do not understand the principle of community, kindness, generosity, and the true nature of art–they see their position as event managers to have the power of gods…. to make or break careers as if they were puff daddy or JayZ… and they expect the reverence and respect that such a role deserves in their eyes… except they don’t see the absurd perversion of their sightline. They want people to come in and kiss their ass. Play up their egos pretending to have a blast. Well, guess what GUS… you’re just another human in my eyes. Always have been, and besides…. your name rhymes with PUS.
I think that somewhere along the line, right after the first time we met. When i played that gig in your venue with no lights on the “stage” and I came off it wondering how it went, and I asked you “did it go okay?” and you said “do you think it went okay?” I was taken aback because what type of fucked up answer is that. I’m an artist who came out to play my first show, and you can’t even give me some feedback, y’know? Besides the few people who live round the block, does anyone even know about your bar or care who you are?
Delusions of grandeur, you’re nothing to me, i’ve seen plenty your type. You’re mad cause you’re ugly and can’t get it up. You’re getting old and let’s face it not quite… what you were or thought you’d be at this point in your life. And you’re wearing that stupid hat like it does anything to cover that misery up. You wake up every morning hating yourself, for still being here doing the same boring crap. And on top of that (and having no hair) no woman is interested in being your mare. Is that it? you’re lonely? has it been too long? is that why you’re on permanent PMS and scorn? Whatever the reason you turned out this way, your ass is looking sorry i have to say. Your words have more to do with you than me, I’ll go on doing my events happily. Momentum is growing i’m loving my life, while you’re back there sulking and eating my dust.
And all of you out there trying to do great things, remember that assholes will try to interfere. To dampen your light and diminish your will only because their dreams failed to fulfill. So when you encounter such persons remember, keep doing your thing while they rot in their chamber.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
861 Days till the end
In the news today it was reported that majority of the public still supports the plan in Afghanistan. I cannot say that I agree with this analysis considering that I have seen no polls regarding the matter, and that I do not support it. Not only because conflict is not the way to eradicate conflict (you cannot clean blood with blood) and that I wish respite to the locals from this self righteous and utterly misguided mission but also because it’s an inherited war whose outcome was doomed from the start. That’s right I said it. It’s a war that’s impossible to win. A conflict with no tactical solutions. and some folks are greatly profiting from it. That’s reason enough for me to support stopping it. And why, because I wish that for once, this country demonstrated mature restraint. And compassion as certainly Jesus would. And did what’s best for the people involved.
And what about our soldiers? Shall we not re assert our goals on their behalf? Must they play part in injustice on behalf of the profiteering? Is there any surprise that so many of these young, intelligent, well meaning men and women cannot make peace with what they’ve seen and done abroad? Does that not strike considerable doubt over the mission?
Instead of waging war on foreign lands, I propose we use the same funds to benefit our own country. Certainly redistributed through education, healthcare, and redoing our infrastructure/transport systems would have a tremendously positive impact on the public, our future, and the future of our children who are more important than anything to us in words rather than actions it seems.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
If the end of the Mayan calendar does in fact equal an end of days of sorts, then I think I’d like to document everything that happens to me between now and then. Let’s be clear about one thing, I cannot be certain that end of the calendar equals apocalypse but I do feel that some things are bound to end. At least in the way that we know them. Life will go on–here, on another plane, in a parallel world–but life as we know it may end and this is scary enough for many people who don’t take the time to think about what they do and why they do it.
Case in point last night, for example, after I declared that my diet is becoming almost exclusively organic, a certain someone who happens to be a very talented musician and songwriter therefore an artist therefore someone I expect to be more evolved (involved) said that he cannot resist eating a good steak. Just because you eat organic doesn’t mean you have to stop eating meat, we clarified, it just means making informed choices of where it comes from. “I don’t think about where food comes from” he replied and I couldn’t help myself. In typical brutal honesty nea style I exclaimed, “you’ll eat meat from a cow that was standing in its own shit its whole life… really”. He gave me a look but he can look all he wants. In today’s marketplace there is organic, free range, grass fed meat much more readily available than before and yes it takes a little extra effort to find it but it’s possible. “If any of us set foot in a slaughterhouse… a real operating slaugheterhouse, I doubt we’d be able to look at meat on our plate in quite the same way”. So my pleas and exclamations often fall on deaf ears and what of it. I’m tired of political correctness … everyone encouraging everyone to do whatever they goddamn please even when it sounds completely outrageous or outright harmful to themselves and others. No more. I have no one to impress and if the truth is too much to handle then so be it. At least later down the road when something happens as a direct result of their stupid actions they might remember a passionate female once upon a time telling them it was stupid. There was a warning they didn’t take. Becomes a lesson in paying attention to signs instead of ‘woe is me, why did this happen to me’. In case anyone’ s wondering I can take it as well as I can dish it.
Now back to the end of days, so let’s say that the end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI) means that we as a species suddenly activate a few more brain functions that are currently running on ‘sleep’ mode. You do know that most humans only use about 10-15% of their brain capacity, right? Scientists are researching what the other brain cells are there for and slowly discovering a function here and there but it is still largely mysterious gray matter we carry in our skulls. The thing about nature is that nothing is wasted. Waste is a product of human society structures, and furthermore, arguably animals are smarter than humans because they use closer to 100% of their brain function thus rendering the whole ‘they have a small brain’ comment moot, because at least it’s used at full capacity. So, what if at a certain place in time a switch goes off–cosmic equivalent of strong tides–and we are activated. Truly activated. Our perceptions are less clouded by our Ego and more connected to all living life forms. What if we suddently look at our world as though for the first time, having had no formal training in what any of it means, just taking it in for the first time what would we observe? What would we think of the structures in which we nest? What would we think about money? About talking and the things we say? What would we think of the people we work and socialize with? Our family? Our friends? The relationship between humans and pets? The discrepancy between what happens and how it’s reported on the news? The connection between money and success? Celebrities?
We have 896 days to evaluate these things and eradicate contradictions in our life so that we may survive the shift from doing things without thinking to living consciously.
The clues are all around us and also inside us
Filed under: Reflective | 1 Comment
No Legs
Summer is the best. The air was dry as was the earth beneath our feet to the point of being dusty as we walked across the crowded picnic area. The crowd was an Indy 500 loving crowd and my company was a tall handsome man I used to date and somehow managed to remain close friends with. My only one of such. And I held onto his arm as he walked me through the crowd lending a much needed sense of security especially since not too long after our arrival I spotted someone in the crowd I knew. From my past. The last person I expected to see and from the looks of it the feeling was mutual.
I leaned into the arm of my host and he led me past the disconcerting scene but this was not enough for me. I wandered off and found myself walking alone down an unfamiliar street. Now it was night and the low slung buildings were set against a somewhat ominous haze of a humid summer night and undercurrent of malice. The street began to slope downward and I glaced at the ground where much to my surprise was a figure of a woman. Her face was turned toward me and her eyes were large and dark. She reminded me of a fortune teller or an eccentric Santa Fe artist type, but her closeness to the ground implied an impediment of some sort. Like that guy with no legs who begs on subway trains, pulling himself along on a platform with wheels. That’s exactly what she appeared to be doing and much as I tried to resist doing so, I glaced over where her legs would be and there, in disbelief I observed a fish’s tail curved around and away from her body. She saw me looking and when I caught her eye back, there was a smirk there which suggested a challenge ‘that’s right I have a tail’. “You’re a mermaid”, I uttered the obvious in my customary way and she appeared delighted to be recognized for who she is. This was the extent of our exchange and she continued her climb up the hill. How strange that a creature of the sea should choose to come to earth and climb hills, I thought.
This is when I began to fret about getting back to the site of the party from which I had gone so astray, and upon finding my way there, I walked into the house to find a cozy picnic table with a few folks standing around. This was fine by me as I was still not ready to confront the ex who I presumed to be out there as before. But as we know there is no avoiding the inevitable and I soon found myself the recipient of the same quizzical look I gave the woman upon observing her tail. This is when I realized that I too am a mythical creature, in his eyes, out of reach and incomprehensible. Attractive only in the un-attainability. The differences found so fascinating upon meeting, are the same that strike fear upon closer inspection. For who wouldn’t enjoy running into a unicorn in the woods, but then what.
Filed under: Dream | 2 Comments
Green Shirt Green Bikini
i’m not gonna try to be modest here. i looked good. not in that trying too hard way, or overly sexual. Casual, well-put together, ready to enjoy an outdoor interior design market at Socrates Park (second weekend in a row). My sister and her friend were supposed to meet up with me and i was on the phone getting an update on the situation and again, not gonna lie, using my outdoor voice, this being outdoor and all. So i approach the bus station and stop right outside the booth, where some man proceeds to check me up and down, sneer in disapproval, and turn around to look away from me. my neighborhood is an odd mix of cultures that ranges from new-comer young family types and religious muslims who walk around with their women shrouded head to toe give or take some fabric so i let this go but he turns around to look at me again, and repeats the whole check up disapproval gesture. “Do you have a problem”, i say in an outdoor voice intended to be heard at a substantial distance. Silence. “because if there is, maybe we can talk about it”. He is motionless. “Hey, Green Shirt, I’m talking to you“. No response. “Good. Just making sure everything is ok”, i concluded.
The thing is that when someone innocent is being targeted for something they didn’t do they usually try to communicate to the offender that there is a mistake. When one does not instinctively do this, it means they identify personally with the statement. In other words, he was called out on behavior that is unacceptable. This is not the sentiment that i find appropriate in a healthy community. In the worst case scenario, he was a middle aged man of modest means and semi-kept appearance passing judgement over me because i am a woman behaving inappropriately somehow. In this case, looking good, feeling good showing it, and speaking confidently on the phone in public. The best case scenario is that he wasn’t even aware he was doing it. To which I have to say, watch that hateful behavior toward women. If you’re unhappy somehow about your life I am pretty sure it’s not because of a woman but because of poor choices that you made likely not even your own. So aim those looks where they belong. Your poor choices. And then after you zapped yourself for those, begin making good ones. Get an education. By this I mean, learn the truth of the world we live in. All the different sides you can find. Aim to make things better than they are. Starting with the small things. Yourself. Your appearance. Your confidence. Saying/doing something nice toward another each day. Setting a goal to attain each week, each month, each year.
Yet, i don’t mean to pick on a man who didn’t know better. there are women requiring education too. And here i am speaking about woman to woman education. when better to do this than while getting a bikini wax. by ‘this’ i mean asking personal questions. “you have a husband?”, she asks while dusting some talcum powder over me. “No.”
“No? that’s nice. no children?” “No.” She begins applying wax. it’s just the right temperature. not too hot.
“You work in the city?” “Yes.”
“You live in the area?” “Yes.”
“Astoria is very expensive”, she exclaimed with extra emphasis and dragging out the word ‘expensive’. “That’s true, when you don’t have children you have more money for everything else”, i say. She takes a few moments to process this and i enjoy a rip in silence.
“no boyfriend?” she simply cannot register this. i smile “i am absolutely free”.
ERIC BONNIN CERAMICS handmade in new york city
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now–when? “ -Hillel
Indeed, when.
Art everywhere
Filed under: Music | Leave a Comment
Exploring Socrates Park
Memorial weekend was a gorgeous set of three days back to back. The city, calmer than usual, beckoned for me to venture out so I did. I walked west bound from my apt building, toward the waterfront intending to reach the new organic food market (FoodCellar) quite a ways away but ending up instead at Socrates Park. I observed a sign for an upcoming fundraising event hanging off the bright orange gate and proceeded to walk past and on to the sculptures installed throughout the premises admiring their textures and interplay with their natural surroundings. Quite unexpectedly, I found myself in the thicket of trees (thicket by urban standards at least) looking at the tall stalks around me and observing the interplay of sun through and over the leaves. The ground was strewn with fluffy grey/brown fuzz which was cascading down from the trees even as I stood there. The air movement was such that these fuzzy incubators of seed were gently floating on its current as if out of a magical movie scene. So taken by the moment was I that I went back home to get my camera. Unfortunately these fuzzy couriers were not photogenic but I did manage to capture a few other magical moments.
My favorite moment though was stumbling upon a young art student, named Eliott J., working at a picnic table off to the side by the tool shed, who was eager to share the story of his art with me and a few other straglers who gathered around the area expecting to be inspired. He has a large bottle of Mike’s hard lemonade which was about 1/5 of the way from finished and I thought to myself this is a lovely way to spend a weekend day. I would like to work here too. On art or music or both. Somehow when I do things alone the most interesting interactions occur. I would not be able to live and be happy anywhere that did not encourage this type of solo wandering about.
Check out the slideshow:
Filed under: Neighborhood | Leave a Comment
Privyet!
Recent Entries
Categories
- Dream (1)
- Life Experiences (1)
- Music (3)
- Neighborhood (2)
- Reflective (2)
- Uncategorized (4)
